Can you keep a secret?
你能保守秘密吗？Of course you can -- if it's about yourself. Communication researchers say nearly everyone -- more than 95% of people -- reports having a fact or bit of information about themselves that they don't reveal to anyone. (The other 5% probably aren't being honest when they say they don't have one, experts say.) And many struggle with whether, when and how to tell.
当然可以――如果秘密是关于自己的话。传播学研究人员表示，几乎每个人――超过95%的人――都有关于自己的一件事或一点信息瞒着别人。（专家说，还有5%的人说自己没有，那可能是在说谎。）很多人都纠结于是否要把秘密告诉别人，以及何时以何种方式告诉别人。Most of these secrets aren't worthy of tabloid headlines. Yet they aren't small trifles, either. Typically, people say their secrets relate to topics that either they themselves view as shameful or believe others will, researchers say. Financial problems, extramarital affairs, poor health habits, addictions -- these are common secrets.
大多数这种秘密连小报的头条都上不了，但也并一定就是细小的琐事。研究人员说，一般人们的秘密涉及的话题要么是自己认为不体面，要么以为别人会觉得不体面。财务问题、婚外情、不良的卫生习惯、上瘾――这些都是常见的秘密。
When I started working on this column, I was worried. Who would want to talk about a secret? A lot of people, it turns out. I asked about personal secrets and heard from readers about teenage pregnancies, 20-year-long extramarital affairs, sexual abuse, mental health issues and pornography addictions. Some people, like a self-described 'CIA operative' I heard from, kept secrets about their work life from their families for years. One man told me he had to keep his whole life a secret when he was 'a fugitive sought by the FBI for seven years (wanted for freeing mink from fur farms.)'
开始写这篇专栏时，我有点担心。谁会愿意谈论秘密呢？结果发现，愿意谈的人很多。有关私人秘密的问题我收到了读者的很多回复，涉及未成年少女怀孕、20多年的婚外情、性虐待、心理健康和色情成瘾等话题。有些人会把工作中的秘密瞒着家里人好几十年，回复我的一个自称是“CIA特工”的读者就是这样。一个人告诉我他“被FBI追捕了七年（为了把貂从毛皮农场解救出来）”，于是有关自己的一切都不得不瞒着所有人。Laura Hedgecock's grandmother took her secret to her grave. Ms. Hedgecock, a writer in Farmington Hills, Mich., says her grandmother had always maintained she was an orphan, after her mother died when she was a young child and her father chose not to raise her. But after her death at age 95, her family discovered, through a genealogy search, that their grandmother actually had lived with her father and had 11 siblings.
劳拉・赫奇科克(Laura Hedgecock)的祖母把秘密带进了坟墓。赫奇科克是一位作家，家住密歇根州法明顿希尔斯(Farmington Hills)，她说她的祖母总是坚持说自己是个孤儿，母亲在她很小的时候就去世了，父亲不愿意抚养她。但在祖母95岁去世后，家里人通过宗谱搜索发现，她实际上由父亲抚养长大，并且有11个兄弟姐妹。Ms. Hedgecock says when she first learned her grandmother's secret, she felt angry on behalf of her own father, who died without knowing that his mother had a large family. 'It gnaws at you. You wonder what happened, and what she went through,' Ms. Hedgecock says. 'And it really makes you yearn for what you missed.' She may never know why her grandmother kept her secret but guesses there were painful memories of growing up in a big family with a stepmother just three years older than herself.
赫奇科克说，当她得知祖母的秘密时，她为自己的父亲感到很生气，他一直到去世都不知道自己的母亲有一个大家族。赫奇科克说：“它会折磨你，你会想知道发生了什么，还有她经历了些什么，让你很想知道自己错过了什么。”她也许永远不会知道祖母为什么会瞒着他们，但她猜测，在一个继母只比自己大三岁的大家族里长大肯定有很多痛苦的回忆。We tend to think of secrets as skeletons in the closet, yet they aren't all negative, experts say. Sometimes we keep a secret to protect a loved one or a relationship. And we keep secrets from different people. There are the ones we keep from family members or other individuals, and then there are the ones the whole family knows and conspires to keep from everyone else.
专家说，我们往往会觉得秘密是见不得光的，但秘密也不全是负面的。有时我们保密是为了保护所爱的人或一段关系。我们跟不同的人保守秘密。有的秘密会瞒着家里人或其他人，有的秘密全家都知道并且齐心协力瞒着其他所有人。Secrets are tantalizing plot drivers in many a movie and TV show ('Downton Abbey' fans, you know this). But keeping secrets from a loved one can put an emotional wedge in the relationship and change the way we communicate. Research shows that when we keep secrets from a mate, our relationship satisfaction goes down. And the more we ruminate about a secret, the more we want to reveal it.
在很多电影和电视剧中，秘密是引人入胜的情节推动器（《唐顿庄园》(Downton Abbey)的粉丝们，你们懂的）。但瞒着所爱的人会导致关系出现情感裂缝，会改变我们交流的方式。研究表明，有秘密瞒着配偶时，关系的满意度就会下降。对某个秘密考虑得越多，就越想公开这个秘密。'When we have a secret and mull it over, we develop stress and it makes our body sick,' says Tamara Afifi, professor of communication studies at the University of Iowa, who studies secrets. 'To get our body back to a sense of health, we need to reveal or cure our self of the secret.' Researchers call this the Fever Model, she says.
爱荷华大学(University of Iowa)研究秘密的传播学教授塔玛拉・阿菲菲(Tamara Afifi)说：“当我们有秘密并且反复想的时候，就会形成压力，身体就会不舒服。要让身体回到健康的状态，我们就需要把秘密公开或者不要让自己再纠结于这个秘密。”她说，研究人员称之为“发烧模式”(Fever Model)。Mike Speakman, a substance-abuse counselor in Phoenix, kept a secret about revenge until he couldn't stand it anymore. Several years after his divorce, he sneaked into his ex-wife's house, took a valuable Native American kachina doll he'd given her in happier times -- and threw it into a nearby canal. 'I suppose it made me feel better for a while,' he says.
凤凰城(Phoenix)药物滥用顾问迈克・斯皮克曼(Mike Speakman)保守着一个有关复仇的秘密，直到他再也无法忍受为止。离婚几年后，他溜进了前妻的房子，拿走了在二人甜蜜时光时他送给她的一个贵重的卡奇纳玩偶(kachina doll)，然后扔进了附近的一条水渠中。他说：“我想在短期内这让我感觉好受了一些。”As time passed, though, he felt guilty, especially when he thought of his ex- or saw their children. He worried about what it was doing to her, not knowing what had become of the doll. So one day, at a family event with his ex-wife about five years later, he blurted out what he had done. 'She was shocked and mad and then said something to the effect of 'that was awhile ago,'' Mr. Speakman, now 71 recalls. 'I think she appreciated the honesty.'
不过随着时间的推移，他感觉到了内疚，特别是想到前妻或者看到两人孩子的时候。他担心这件事会对她产生的影响，也不知道玩偶成了什么样子。所以大约五年后，在和前妻参加一次家庭活动时，他说出了自己的所作所为。现年71岁的斯皮克曼回忆道：“她很震惊，也很生气，然后说了些‘那已经是很久以前的事了’之类的话。我觉得她很欣赏我的坦诚。”How do you decide whether to reveal a secret? Tread carefully here, experts say. If telling the secret will hurt someone and produce no benefit, then it shouldn't be told. Had an affair decades ago? If it's long over and your marriage is good, mum's the word.
如何判断是否应该公开秘密？专家说，要格外小心。如果公开秘密会伤害别人，不会有任何益处，那么就不应该公开。几十年前有过婚外情？如果已经过去很久，而且现在婚姻很幸福，那还是守口如瓶吧。Unless you have a good therapist, you're on your own on this decision. Dr. Afifi says examine your motivation. Is it selfish? The desire to get something off your chest or a feeling of moral obligation to tell aren't good enough reasons to cause someone else pain. Consider how telling the secret will affect the listener, the relationship and other people, as well. Weigh long-term benefits against short-term drawbacks.
除非你有很好的治疗师，否则做决定得靠自己。阿菲菲博士说，要检查你的动机。是不是出于私心？有想卸掉包袱的欲望，或者觉得道德上有义务说出秘密，这些并不是给别人造成痛苦的足够好的理由。想想说出秘密会对对方产生什么影响，还有对双方关系以及其他人的影响。对长远的利益和眼前的弊端进行权衡。People tend to disclose secrets in one of five ways, Dr. Afifi says. When we think the other person will react negatively, we are more likely to disclose indirectly, say by telling a third party. We might be rehearsing for the big tell. Or we might secretly hope the secret will get out. Sometimes we tell with incremental revelations, at first telling just a part of the secret to judge the reaction.
阿菲菲博士说，人们透露秘密的方式通常有五种。当我们认为对方会是消极的反应时，我们会更有可能间接地暗示，比如通过第三方转达。我们可能会提前彩排，或者背地里希望秘密会泄露出去。有时我们会循序渐进地告诉对方，一开始只说出一部分以判断对方的反应。We might use a hypothetical scenario ('What would you think if this happened . . .') or pretend the secret belongs to someone else ('My co-worker, John, has this secret . . .'). Sometimes we are angry and wait for the heat of the moment to blurt the secret out, a strategy Dr. Afifi calls 'entrapment.'
我们可能会假设某种情形，比如“如果发生这种事……你会怎么想”，或者假装秘密是别人的，比如“我的同事约翰有一个秘密……”。有时我们会生气，等到气头上将秘密脱口而出，阿菲菲博士称之为“将计就计”战略。And then there is the most direct method: We just tell it, calmly. It's important to explain to the other person why we are telling them the secret, says Anita Vangelisti, professor of communication studies at the University of Texas at Austin, who researches secrets. Say, 'I am telling you this because I care about our relationship' or 'I trust you with this information.'
还有就是最直接的方法：平静地说出来。得克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校(University of Texas at Austin)研究秘密的传播学教授安妮塔・万杰利斯蒂(Anita Vangelisti)说，很重要的一点是向对方解释为何要告诉他们这个秘密，比如“我告诉你这个秘密是因为我在乎我们的关系”，或者“我相信你会为我保密”。Explaining our motivation 'helps reduce some of the tension, uncertainty and anxiety that might be evoked by the telling,' Dr. Vangelisti says.
万杰利斯蒂博士说，解释我们的动机“有助于减少说出秘密可能带来的压力、不确定感和焦虑”。'And if we do decide to share a secret,' she adds, 'we need to be willing to listen afterward.'
她说：“如果我们决定了要分享一个秘密，就需要在说出来后愿意倾听。”